The job of sports fan internetters like me is not to just wallow in the mere news that the commentators have just been reporting and to repeat their opinions about why it all happened (although that can be fun to look back on, in the years to come). It is also to notice the daft things that commentators sometimes say. The above gem of verbal inappropriateness came, from ITV commentator Nick Mullins, after just 13 minutes of the England Scotland rugby game at Twickenham, just after England scored their third try. England really don’t look like they’re going to lose this one.
The basic reason England are winning is that Wales, earlier this afternoon, dessicated Ireland. That actually is not a bad word for what Wales did to Ireland. Ireland didn’t score any points at all until the clock had gone past 80 minutes, Wales having already scored 25. This meant that Wales already had the Grand Slam, and that meant that Scotland would not now be working themselves into a frenzy of Scottishness to deny England, who were undone two weeks ago by a frenzy of Welshness (which did deny England the Grand Slam), the mere winning of the tournament.
And now, on the half hour, England have just scored their fourth try, making it 31-0 to them.
And what did Nick Mullins say about that?
This:
“Scotland are being drowned.”
When you get dessicated, what you want is water. But not that much water.
I feel sorry for Scotland. If you’re an England rugby fan, feeling sorry for Scotland is great. Scots never feel sorry for us, which is how they torment us. We feel sorry for them every chance we get, which is our way of tormenting them. All I am missing now is a Scotsman for me to feel sorry for in person. They must really hate that.
But hey, Scotland have just scored a breakaway try.
Said the moisture-obsessed Mullins, switching metaphors:
“A shaft of light.”
If you’ve been desiccated but then drowned, a shaft of light is probably what you want. 31-7 to England at half time.
I am going to miss the end of this game because I am off out to dinner. Fine by me. My guess is that the second half of this game will be rather an anti-climax, like the second half of the England France game. The only thing that could make it interesting would be a couple more shafts of light for Scotland at the start of the second half. If that happens, I would have to stop feeling sorry for Scotland, which would be terrible.
And Scotland have indeed scored, 7 minutes into the second half. Just before they did, Mullins said:
“Scotland are beginning to throw some coals on the fire!”
Said a colleague:
“Can that be the spark?”
Scotland not drowned after all.
Well, well, well. Two shafts of light it is. Two Scotland tries at the beginning of the second half. Suddenly I am starting to regret that dinner date, and to stop feeling sorry for the Scots.
And another. 31-19. It’s a game.
Another Scotland try. 31-24. If Scotland win this, they will be as insufferable as I was being half an hour ago.
I’m off to dinner. Thank goodness for mobile phones.
Another Scotland try! Under the posts. 31-31.
Mullins:
“Are you not entertained?”
I think I am. Four shafts of light, in the second half alone. Five, if you could the one in the first half.
England’s defence is being desiccated.
LATER (i.e. after I got back from my dinner party (very enjoyable)): England 38 Scotland 38.